Warning: This is the NC-17 version of this chapter. If you want to read the PG-13 version, you need to go to the forums. That means that if you are under 17 or feel uncomfortable, you should NOT be reading this version!
After I got an annoyed Pacifica into the car, she reluctantly gave me the directions to her apartment. As we stood in front of the brick building, I was taken aback at how simple it was. Somehow, I had always expected Pacifica to live in an ostentatious, modern place, the likes of which only a surrealist could conceive. But it was actually rather old-fashioned, with its mud-red bricks and block-like shape. I stared at it in shock for a few moments. Pacifica must have seen the look on my face, because she laughed.
“I didn’t choose this place, if that’s what you were thinking,” she said with a coy smile. “I wanted a high-rise apartment in the middle of downtown, but Serene thought this place was more…sobering.” She wrinkled her nose.
“Oh,” I said dumbly, “I think it suits you.”
She raised an eyebrow, then snorted. “Oh, Edie,” she said. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but she went running up the steps before I could ask her.
Once we were inside, I saw a little more of Pacifica’s influence. There was a unique mix of contemporary and vintage touches. Some modern art and high-end electronics mixed with thrift shop finds and an old record player that screamed “Pacifica.” I smiled as I scanned the room. “It suits you,” I said.
“Yeah, this is as close to ‘me’ as I could get,” she said, shrugging. “But I like it. It’s mine.”
“Yeah,” I said. I felt a little sad looking around and thinking about my own living situation. I didn’t know what it felt like to have a space that was truly my own, and I felt a little envious. My eyes drifted to the kitchen, where she probably spent her mornings drinking coffee and eating cereal, with only herself as company. She could turn on some music as she ate, without worrying about disturbing anyone. That must have been a nice feeling.
“Eden,” she said softly, “are you alright?” I looked at her and she smiled.
“Yes,” I said, ashamed that she had caught me daydreaming. “Let’s get you upstairs and ready for bed.” I took off up the winding steps before she could say anything else.
The bathroom was a tight squeeze, but we both managed to fit. I stood in front of the sink and looked over the products she had on the counter. After locating a washcloth and something called “cleansing gel,” I lathered it up and turned to Pacifica.
She made a face, “I can do it myself,” she said. But I already had the cloth pressed against her skin, wiping.
“Ow,” she said after a minute, “not so hard!” She pulled the washcloth from my hand and turned toward the mirror to finish the job on her own.
“Sorry,” I said, looking away. I just couldn’t seem to do anything right with her. I sighed.
“It’s alright,” she mumbled as she splashed some water over her face, removing the last traces of soap and makeup. She turned to me and my eyes widened.
This was the first time I had ever seen her completely void of makeup. Even when we’d gone to the beach, she’d still insisted on wearing just a bit. But now her face was completely clear and I was awed. She was truly beautiful in every way. She smiled at me shyly.
“So, how do I look?” She asked, insecurity shining in her eyes.
“Beautiful,” I said, my mouth still agape. She looked up at me, her big blue eyes sparkling and I felt weak in the knees. She was so breathtaking. And so close. I cleared my throat. “Go get your pajamas on and I’ll clean up in here,” I said quickly.
She frowned. “Oh, okay,” she said, sliding out of the small room.
I washed my hands slowly, praying softly that the blood that had rushed to my cheeks – not to mention other, more confusing places – would soon return to my brain. I bit my lip hard as I scrubbed my hands, trying desperately to purge any imaginary bacteria that might still be clinging to my skin; anything to take my mind off of Pacifica and her wide-eyed look of innocence and beauty.
What was wrong with me? There was some sort of unfamiliar twinge in my chest, and I didn’t like it. My heart ached with a need I didn’t understand, wasn’t ready to understand, but in a way…it was something I wasn’t sure I could live without. This feeling of drowning, and flying, soaring and sinking all at the same time. I didn’t want to try and label it; that would be far too dangerous.
Eventually, after my hands were raw from the soap’s fury, I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom to face my drunken charge.
My breath caught hard in my lungs, my heart leaping up into my throat, as I caught sight of Pacifica. Naked, but for her underwear. Her beautiful breasts perked up and stared me hard in the face.
“Do you like it?” She asked with a small purr. She had a coy smile on her face that sent every drop of blood below my waist. It was agonizing and tantalizing and it was the last thing I should be feeling at this moment. I swallowed hard.
“Pacifica, put some clothes on, for Berry’s sake!” I screeched through gritted teeth, my eyes closed tightly against the seductive image before them. I felt guilty that the tone in my voice was so harsh, knowing that she was drunk and probably didn’t know what she was doing, but the pain that had struck in both my nether-regions and my heart was putting me on edge in ways with which I was unfamiliar. I needed to get her dressed and ready for bed so that I could get out of here as soon as possible.
“But, Edie…” she said, her voice wavering a little.
“Now, Pacifica,” I said, opening my eyes a little as she crossed an arm over her chest modestly.
I expected her to move toward the dresser to retrieve her pajamas, but instead she crept slowly toward me. I turned my face away as quickly as I could, but that didn’t take away the warmth I felt at the closeness of her nearly nude figure. Berry help me.
“Eden, I know you want to be with me,” she said, almost in a whisper. “I want to be with you, too. This can be our night. You can make love to me.”
I nearly jumped out of my skin at her words. Make love to her? The idea of me, awkward Eden Spectrum, with someone like Pacifica…it was laughable. I scoffed harshly.
“You’re drunk, Pacifica, you don’t know what you’re saying.” I took a step back. “You need to put some clothes on and sleep this off before you say something else you’ll regret.”
I heard a sniffle and looked up. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen such a wounded expression on the face of another person, certainly not because of something I had said. It caused a sharp pain to shoot through my chest. But she didn’t understand. We couldn’t be together.
“I had two drinks, Edie. Two,” she said. Her voice cracked on the last word and I could tell she was trying hard not to cry. “I am not drunk. I know exactly what I am saying. I want to be with you.” She took a deep breath and dropped her eyes. “I thought you wanted to be with me, but if you don’t, just tell me the truth. Don’t hide behind some flimsy excuse.”
She looked up at me, anticipating my response. But I said nothing. What could I say? Was I supposed to tell her the embarrassing truth? She would laugh me out of the apartment. I would be forced to skulk home to my father and admit that I didn’t have a handle on things. I looked away.
“Oh, Berry,” she said, her voice breaking. “That’s it, isn’t it?” I looked up at her as she turned away, presumably to hide to tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes. “You don’t want to be with me, do you? Berry, I am so stupid!” She shook her head forcefully, attempting to push away the sensation of rejection.
“No!” I said quickly, before covering my mouth.
She swung toward me, nearly losing her balance in the process. “Then what, Eden? Is there someone else? Tell me what I’m missing!” She screamed, a few tears escaping her eyes. Her voice was angry, but it was tinged with a drop of sadness, which I couldn’t fully comprehend. She wanted to be with me? Me?
It was so preposterous, I simply could not wrap my head around why.
I paused for a moment, averting my eyes from her accusatory glare, rubbing the back of my neck roughly in a gesture of stress. I had to tell her the truth: the mortifying reality. But if she wanted to be with me so badly, she needed to know why it was impossible.
“That’s not it,” I said. My vision was jumping and my heart was beating wildly in my chest. Now was not the time for a panic attack! I was stronger than that. I breathed deeply for a few minutes as I tried to find the courage to say the ridiculous words. She stood patiently, waiting for me to speak.
“I’m a –“ I took another breath, “I’m a virgin, Pacifica. I’ve never…you know.” I flinched as the words came out. “I don’t know how to make love to you.”
I waited for her to start laughing, or to scoff cruelly at how pathetic I was. A virgin at the ripe old age of 24. But it didn’t come. She stood there for a moment before her mouth dropped a bit.
“Oh, Edie,” she said gently. “I should have known, I’m sorry.” I started to make an annoyed comment regarding her pity, but I noticed that her bottom lip was quivering.
“Cici?” I said, moving toward her. “Are you alright?”
She nodded furiously, too quickly to be convincing. “Yes, of course,” she said, trying hard to muster a smile, “It’s silly to think you’d want me to be your first.” She started to step back and I grabbed her by the waist, surprising both her and myself.
“Wait,” I said, before I could think about what I was about to say. “You’re wrong. I do want you to be the first.” I couldn’t believe I had said the words, but I realized as they left my mouth that it was the truth. I couldn’t imagine wanting to be with someone the way I wanted to be with Pacifica. It wasn’t just that she was beautiful and charismatic, there was something else. But I wasn’t ready to think about what it was; the reason why I needed her so badly.
“Are you sure?” She asked with hope in her voice.
“Absolutely,” I said. And I meant it.
She stepped forward, reaching hesitantly toward the bottom edge of my sweater. She slipped her fingers underneath and began the pull the shirt over my head. Her fingers brushed my skin softly and I felt myself harden painfully at the innocent touch. The anticipation of what was coming next terrified me, but it also thrilled me. For once, the anxiety wasn’t enough to stop me, because I wanted this more than words could express. I wanted Pacifica with every ounce of my being.
She pressed her full breasts against my chest, the hard pebbles of her nipples tickling the newly exposed skin. As she curled her fingers into my hair, I leaned down and took hold of her mouth with mine, our tongues dancing in a carnal, predatory way. This was nothing like the kiss we had shared before. Whereas the other kiss was innocent and exploratory, this was possessive…desperate. It was as if we couldn’t breathe without our mouths intertwined, our life forces permanently connected in a powerful and sublime way. She moaned, setting my skin on fire, pulling away with swollen lips and a mischievous look in her sea-blue eyes.
She stepped away, biting her lip coyly. She slid her hands down her body until she reached the waistline of her satin panties. Slowly, in an excruciating display of pure seduction, she shimmied, gliding the fabric down her legs, exposing the most feminine part of her. As the panties hit her ankles, she moved back, kicking them away carelessly. She struck a pose – one that caused a shockwave of intense sensation to surge through my entire body – displaying every inch of her delectable form for my eyes to feast upon.
“What do you think,” she said in a husky tone. “Do you like what you see?”
Did I like what I saw? There were no words. I let my eyes travel over her entire length, starting at the misty blue of her nipples to the small triangle of hair between her legs. I was surprised to see it there, knowing enough about women to understand that body hair was not popular among celebrities. But I liked it, the realness of it, the pure adult-ness of its presence. This goddess standing before me was no child, she was all woman. And I was about to make her mine.
I fumbled roughly at the buttons of my jeans, trying quickly to escape the restriction that was suffocating delicate parts of me. I had never been so uncomfortable! I tripped as I yanked the pants from my ankles, which earned a giggle from Pacifica.
As soon as I was free from the constrictive clothing, Pacifica walked forward and shoved me hard onto the bed. I landed with an umph. She threw herself on top of me, desperately seeking my parts with hers. She straddled me like a boa constrictor devouring its prey, ready to take control of our coupling. But this was going too fast. I couldn’t breathe.
“Wait,” I said, and she paused, looking puzzled.
“What’s wrong?” She asked. She gasped suddenly. “Please tell me you didn’t change your mind!” Changed my mind? There was no going back from this and I knew it.
“No, it’s just – I’m supposed to be on top, right?” I didn’t know much about making love to a woman, but this was my first time and I wanted…well, I wanted a little more control.
She giggled. “If that’s what you want, we can do it that way.” So I grabbed her by the waist and flipped her over, so that I was above her. She squeaked a little, gripping my shoulders tightly as she regained her equilibrium. Then she laughed.
“So feisty, Edie,” she said, smiling wide, “I didn’t know you had it in you.”
“I –“ I started to make a teasing remark, but I came to a realization: “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next.” I blushed at the admission.
She didn’t laugh or scoff, but looked at me with a tender look in her eyes, brushing her fingers softly against my cheek. “Don’t worry, I’ll guide you.”
I nodded. “Um, what should I do now?”
She took my hand and guided it toward her center, the delicate, moist part between her legs. As I pressed my fingers against her, I felt my hands become soaked in a sticky syrup. Was that supposed to happen? I looked at her and she bit her lip. “That means I’m ready for you,” she said, her voice deep with desire. “Stroke me,” she instructed.
I rubbed my fingers over her, massaging her, sliding my fingers in and out of her spongy core. She moaned softly, moving my hand up to the small nub nestled beneath the coarse hair. “Rub me there,” she said in a whisper.
I followed her lead and stroked her, starting off with gentle, hesitant movements, and slowly increasing the pace. She squeezed her eyes tight and threw her head back with a loud groan. Did I hurt her? I stopped moving and started to speak, but she choked out the words “don’t stop.” I was obviously doing something right, so I continued, and her groans became louder. She arched her hips toward my hand.
“Now, Edie, I need you now!” She said in a strained voice.
“What?” I asked, stopping all movement. What was I supposed to be doing?
She reached down between my legs, where my manhood jutted out toward her center, and she guided the tip toward the wettest part of her. “I need you inside of me,” she said softly, her eyes still shut tightly.
“Oh!” I said, realizing what she meant.
I thrust into her, which earned a squeal from her lips. The envelope of her warmth and softness created an overwhelming sensation of pleasure, different than anything I could have achieved on my own. It was heaven. It was torment. It was something profound and perverse at the same time. My eyes rolled back in my head and I let out a curse, “Holy fudge.”
Pacifica laughed breathlessly and pressed her lips to my ear. “In and out, Edie,” she said. I understood, somehow, and I began to pull out of her. I continued to pull out until she whimpered, and I thrust back inside, which earned an exclamation of “Oh, Berry!”
“Am I doing it right?” I asked. She nodded, unable to speak.
As I entered her again, I felt an immense pressure. Oh, no, Berry…please. Before I could take a breath, I pressed myself into her as far as I could go and just…released everything. It was over. Just like that.
I pulled out of her and quickly turned away, covering my face. “I’m sorry,” I said, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. “I didn’t mean to –“ I felt her hand against my shoulder.
“Edie,” she said, shushing me, “it’s okay. It was your first time.” I turned to look at her and she smiled. My heart melted a little, but I still wanted to cry.
“I just wanted to make it good for you,” I said, sulking. She pressed her lips to mine.
“You did great,” she said. Then she laughed. “My high school boyfriend barely made it ten seconds the first time we made love. I’ve never been so disappointed in my life.” I smiled at the story, but felt a wave of jealousy wash over me of the mention of Pacifica with another man.
She curled into my chest and I relaxed, wrapping my arms around her shoulders as her hair tickled my chest. “You’ll do better next time,” she said. Next time? Dear Berry, what had I gotten myself into?
A few hours later, I stirred from a sound sleep. I looked down at Pacifica, who was snoozing against my chest. I smiled at the soft snoring sounds that were coming through her nose like a whistle. I pressed my lips to the top of her head and closed my eyes.
“Edie?” I heard her say groggily, her eyes still shut tightly.
“Hm?” I responded softly.
“I love you,” she said.
My eyes flew open wide. “What did you say?” I looked down at her, but she was once again in a deep sleep. Had I imagined it? “Cici, what did you say?” I asked again. But no answer.
It wasn’t until after sunrise that I finally managed to fall back asleep.
Was it real?
This chapter is dedicated to Arrowleaf, who convinced me to write it.
I did not make Pacifica’s apartment. I recolored the Nikita loft, found here.